Friday, April 29, 2011

Beautiful Happiness

If you want to make progress,
Only think of your heart's happiness
And how you can keep
Your entire being happy.
Wherever you go,
Carry happiness with you.
Excerpt from Ten Thousand Flower-Flames, Part 52 by Sri Chinmoy

Time to thank the universe for whats good!

Thank you for,
Ava the most enchanting little spirit I have ever met

Daddy the hardest working most loving man in the world

My health

My sanity ( even though it may be it fleeting at times)

My friends
A roof over my head ( a most fabulous roof)
This human experience even when it seems exasperating and painful
food (delicious food)



Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Truth Hurts and Then It Sets Me Free

*This post contains highly sensitive subject matter. It may be especially hard to read if you are close to me. Please proceed with caution and feel free to bail out at anytime.

In the interest of remaining Bare I am going to share a story that is incredibly painful. Yes it's a bit worse than having ppd. It is most likely the cause of my ppd(aside from chemical imbalance). No doubt it is the cause of a lot of things. I won't be giving details. I don't want to give some random perpetrator any thrill or ideas. I don't want to make any sensitive souls sick.

As I write this it is 12:16am. I had to get out of bed to take a Valium to stop racing thoughts. Last night my husband had to take me down with a Valium and two strong drinks to stop "data recall".

I have always known that something bad happened when I was a child. Actually, a lot of not so perfect things happened when I was a child. The bad things I could not remember were the ones that troubled me. I knew they had to be really bad if I had blocked them. I hadn't blocked parental alcoholism, verbal abuse or violence. I told you before my parents weren't perfect, no one is. I had long ago made peace with all of that nonsense. As the proverb goes "shit happens".  I still loved them. They still did a fine job of raising me even though they did it a bit messy. The bad things I could not remember, but knew were there, terrified me.  I was afraid that when I finally remembered, they would have been perpetrated by someone I loved.

When I first started feeling I had postpartum depression I did some research. I learned that the experience of giving birth either vaginally or c-section can sometimes trigger repressed memories. As beautiful as it is, birth is also pretty traumatic. It's also centered around your second chakra which relates to your sexuality so, it makes sense if you have had sexual trauma this may awaken body/mind recall.

I started having mini breakthroughs. Just quick pictures as I would have other racing thoughts. I would stop and scan through all the adults in my childhood. That's what I was doing wrong. My whole life I've been scanning memories of adults. I was looking in the wrong place. I would have never figured it out except I visited ViolenceUnsilenced. Right there on the front page it warns you about triggers. It clearly states that stories written by survivors of violence or sexual abuse may trigger repressed memories. I thought to myself "go for it, let's do this".  I was so tired of this looming specter.

I read about seven stories. Mixed in with those seven were two stories where the perpetrators were other children. Blam! My mind exploded into a million crystal clear pieces. I became physically ill. The computer screen was zooming in and out. I had a Migraine no medicine could stop. I was hot and cold. I was stuttering to myself as I put together the incidents. I just wanted my husband to come home.

It's been several days now. I think I've pieced together as much as I need to. There are still some black spots. That is probably for the best. I'm not ok that these things happened but, I am relieved it was not a trusted adult. For the record I'm not fucking forgiving anyone. I don't need to forgive to recover, seriously screw that. I can move on without forgiving. I'm not a sheep. I will turn no cheek. That shit was unthinkable, outrageous, and inhumane. Let whatever God my perpetrators pray to at night forgive them or better yet strike them down. I will forgive one person only. I forgive myself.

To know something happened and to truly remember it are two totally different ballgames. I'm going to be ok.
I can now take my rightful place upon a pedestal.  I can stop cowering in the dark corner afraid and confused.  

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Jenny at Ask for it....G rated Internet Searches

Jenny at Ask for it....G rated Internet Searches

She is so right about this...I'd love a porn filter on searches
When I want to search for porn I can but when I'm looking up cupcake recipes or puppets I'll pass on the porn please. I don't want Ava seeing giant pop up penises whilst we look for Big Bird.

Topless Tuesday - Let it all Hang Out!

This weeks game is short but sweet! It's called when I grow up. All you do is tell what you wanted to be when you grew up. Not what you wanted to be once you grew up and saw how the world worked. Tell what you wanted to be when you were a child.

I'll go first.  I wanted to be a stand up comedian.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Stash Hash Installment 6

Let's hash covers! They come in all shapes and sizes. In an earlier hash I described wool and all if it's wonderful qualities. To recap, wool is anti-bacterial by nature, absorbent, temperature regulating and totally fetch! 
I did not hold out. I bought The Sloomb longies!!
Fleece covers work on the same principals as wool. They are soaker's not "repelers" (yes I know that is not a word). They also come in super fun combos and shapes. Fleece can be long pants, shorties or soakers. My latest addiction is with MadPie's! They are the cutest made in the USA by a WAHM fleece anything's I have ever seen. Mrs. MadPie lets you totally custom out what you want. You choose all fabric colors, trim, and style.They are beyond functional. I have not even felt dampness through this quality fleece. The construction is flawless.
MadPies! Insanely well made!


We <3 Gen-Y
Then there are the closest relatives to the old school plastic pants, polyurethane laminate covers. Surprise! I have an addiction when it comes to these as well! Gen-Y covers are beyond cute. They use really cute fabric and the fit is awesome. It's not a trim fit. I wouldn't put these on under clothes. You would not want to hide these though. It's T shirts and baby legs all the way with our Gen-Y covers.

I know I promised to hash on Rockin Green this installment. I decided they are so awesome they need a hash all their own. Until we meet again, I'll just be here battling the pee and poo one piece of cloth at a time.

*All products were purchased by the author. These are not solicited reviews. I'm just telling the tale of my cloth journey.

happy easter